Relationships and Marriage
Divorce. It's a fear in most marriages and a super common word nowadays. I mean statistics show that more than half of marriages end in divorce! Also, now more that ever, we as society have added so many new ways of infidelity in marriage!
I was reading an article by James J. Sexton in the August Psychology today subscription. He had some amazing points to make about how to stay married and thought I would share! He is a divorce lawyer that sees divorce constantly but also sees ways that you can potentially save your relationship.
Let's think for a minute on how much the average wedding costs. According to Google, in 2017 it cost $25,764. If that doesn't sound like a down payment or investment on a relationship I am not sure what does! This also does not include how much was spent on an engagement ring!
Sometimes, I feel people have this idea on what marriage is and should be but they don't take the time to think of how much work it is going to constantly be. Not all the work is hard and strenuous, and sometimes it might just come naturally. However, like anything else in life, if there is no consistency and effort, it will most likely wither away.
I love when I hear complaints from friends about relationships and marriage. What I always want to say to them is " Well you know what you married, this didn't happen overnight." Most people know the person they married before hand. Statistically, it takes an average of 3 years to truly know someone. Change is also a possibility in a relationship. Change is inevitable and needed throughout life. However, if communication about the changes don't happen, it can lead to feeling misunderstood or unloved.
Back to Mr. Sexton and his article! Okay, so he basically outlined five tips on how to make your marriage work.
Tip 1: Be a cheerleader for your spouse- This one I relate to 100%. Remember when you were a kid and you did something super awesome and you ran home to tell your family and couldn't wait for that "way to go" response? This is it in adult marriage life. If your spouse does anything to help you around the house, with the kids, etc. acknowledge it! I know we aren't always interested in things our significant other may love, but sometimes taking the time to notice something they love and cheering them on can move mountains! I understand you are not going to like everything your husband or wife will do. I know some things are viewed as expected because you are a team, but guess what?!? THEY SHOULDN'T BE! I will add on to this in another tip!
Tip 2: Remember that nobody can do everything- Yeahhhhhhhhh this one is hard. When I write a to do list I mean I expect EVERYTHING to be done when I get home. Realistic? Nope! Crazy? Yep! Switch the thought process here! Let's take a look at what was completed and how about a nice response of "Oh hey thank you so much for getting that done." Sometimes, this bit of acknowledgement will actually push your significant other to do more and get more niceness from you! Oh, and let me add to this that just because it wasn't done your way, it doesn't mean it was completely wrong! Going in with that attitude will give your spouse the feeling of "Welp if you wanted it done right then you should have done it yourself, and I will never waste my time again you ungrateful bitch!" Like I said, this one is hard!
Tip 3: Recognize that fairness, not equality, is the goal of the marriage- Going back to what I said about things being expected in a relationship. Yes, there are a lot of nice and supportive things your spouse can do for you but they don't owe you anything. However, showing affection in the ways your love craves will never put you in a bad spot. Also, touching base on the "keeping score" concept. We shouldn't have a tally on how many times each other has done something and the other hasn't. If one of you had a bad day, it isn't a competition to see whose was worse! Take a moment to stop and listen to each other and offer support. Sometimes this means your needs go second and you take care of the other person for a second.......something called selflessness. Google it. However, I do believe balance needs to happen here and your needs must be met too.
Tip 4: Have sex with your spouse-I don't know what it is after you get married, but it's almost like passion and sex just pack their bags and leave the relationship. Like my work here is done I am out! NO! This is probably the biggest complaints in a marriage and also leads to infidelity issues. Feeling wanted by your spouse is important in your marriage. Guess what? Communication needs to happen in the bedroom too. Peoples desires in passion and sex change over time and it must be communicated with your significant other. No one is a mind reader (hmmm weird I know), and you cannot hold the other person accountable for your lack of communication. Being open to sex and new sexual experiences keeps passion in the bedroom.
Tip 5: Divorce is an option- I hear from a lot of people having relationships issues that they don't believe in divorce, and it isn't an option. Actually, yes it is. Actually, it is possible in every marriage. As Sexton states in his article, "Your spouse's love was not permanently and irrevocably gifted to you when you walked down the aisle." "It was loaned to you." You did all the work it took to commit to getting married, why not do the work to stay there? Laziness in a relationship can be a real thing, and if you are not mindfully putting effort into your spouse on a DAILY basis it can cause strain on the relationship. Take the time to make your relationship a priority!
I hope my perspective on this article was an eye opener and insightful. I am not saying by following these five things you will have the best marriage ever! What I am saying is they are good key points to keep in mind within a marriage or even a relationship. Below I am also listing some good book resources I have read to assist clients' in their marital journey as well as continued self-growth and introspection.
1. The 5 Love Languages- Gary Chapman- Very insightful on how each of you perceive love and how to speak that particular language to your spouse for them to feel supported.
2. 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work- John Gottman- This book has a lot of questionnaires and practical tools for relationships. I would recommend reading this even if issues aren't knocking on your door.
3. If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late- James J. Sexton- This is on my need to read list. From what I see, he dives into issues leading up to possible divorce such as communication, and offers tips on how to get back on track before considering divorce.